Sex Lives chronicles the evolution of one person's sexual history. This week: Joe, 39, Montreal, Canada
A babysitter sexually molested me and my brother at a very young age. It was introduced as a fun game, and I had no idea what was going on. I was totally taken advantage of. I struggled with the embarrassment because I come from a small Roman Catholic town where there's tons of homophobia, and so the idea that I'd been "physical" with another man was embarrassing in those early years. Now, 30 years later, I'm more open about it. I don't know if it changed my sex life. I did do some therapy, and I've never been able to make a connection. I was sort of a recluse—kind of a loser—in high school. I didn't have a lot of sexual activity then or in early college. I think that shaped my relationship to sex more than being molested. It caused me to be kind of timid about sex.
I lost my virginity when I was 17 or 18, right before going to university. A friend and his girlfriend had an open relationship, and we were all joking around. Because I wasn't sexually active, they felt bad for me in a sense, and his girlfriend had the desire to have sex with me. We'd hung out a bunch and were all friends. Then, her having sex with me kind of just came up. They both told me they were open and made me feel okay about it, but later, I got the impression that a lot of that was fabricated, so that did make me feel bad. I'm still friends with him now, but we don't talk about it.
After that, there was a big gap; I went to an arts college, and I was just very timid and self-loathing. I didn't know what to do, and I never went on dates. I think it wasn't until I was 22 or 23 that I had a one-night stand, and then I had a couple of other brief flings and makeout sessions.
I got my first long-term girlfriend, which was my first consistent sexual experience. We moved to Montreal together, and she was more experienced, for sure. It was good. One thing I realized later that I kind of regret is her lack of orgasms. I would question it, and she was always satisfied, but I'd never, for example, go down on her to completion. She would always stop me and want penetrative sex. I think she had an orgasm through penetration, but it wasn't every time, and I felt like I never gave her a full orgasm. I feel bad about that. With my current girlfriend, we have two kids. We've been together for ten years, and it's by no means perfect, but we fully understand each other sexually. I understand what she needs to have a full experience.
In 2013, after that ex and I broke up, I had the craziest sex of my life for a year. I felt like shit, and I started doing online dating and having one-night stands. I was really adventurous and didn't really care who I slept with. I had some fun experiences, including a threesome with two girls, which was amazing. Basically, I met these two women—one was a friend of a mutual friend—and we went on a bike tour around the city. There's an abandoned building in Montreal that we were all fascinated by, and we saw it and were like: "Oh, do you want to go sneak in there one day?" So we set a date. We invited other people, but it ended up being just the three of us.
We explored the building, and it was really fun. Then, one of them suggested skinny dipping in the Saint Lawrence River. Nothing came about that day, but then another night, we tried to sneak into a pool, and it didn't work out, so they were like: "We should go back to the house and hang out." It turned into a threesome without any penetrative sex. We were naked and kind of rubbing each other and stuff. The dynamics were interesting in the sense that I was into one of the women more than the other, and that woman was into the other woman more than me. It was a weird triangle. After a night of just kind of rubbing, we fell asleep. Then when we woke up, we continued again, and then one woman gave me a blow job while I made out with the woman I was more into. I still think about it to this day; it's one of the best sexual experiences I've ever had.
The next year, I met my current girlfriend. We got pregnant a year later, and we have two kids. The first one was a surprise—you know, not wearing protection and pulling out. Actually, we just went away for our ten-year anniversary last weekend. It wasn't the actual date, but my mom was in town to watch the kids. We got a hotel for the weekend, went to a spa, and had what I consider great sex. It feels good to have that ten years later—a good sexual experience, adventurous and fun and pleasurable.
Last year, we sort of had a crisis after we had our second kid. I was really scared to have a second kid for a lot of reasons, including our sex life. I didn't want it to be jeopardized, and it got to the point where I was always so needy for sex, and there was so much pressure surrounding it that she sort of blew and wanted to end things. It was very traumatic. I wasn't for that; I wanted to work it out. We ended up doing individual therapy and couples therapy. Now, we're slowly trying to put the pieces back together. I feel like we're kind of reconnecting now—these last couple of months especially. It feels good in that sense.
As much as I think my criticism is that I wish we had more sex, we're having less, but the quality is really great. Maybe because there's so much buildup of desire, it's certainly me trying to initiate more. I think she has a lot more sexual experience—more than I did—when we met. So, I think with the kids and her doing a PhD right now, she's got a lot of other things she's focusing on. Whereas, I don't know, I think sex is a more important point in my life. So we've come to an understanding that maybe I have to initiate it. But we're being more honest about our feelings and desires.
It's not a huge problem for me, but she's also suggested that I have another partner. She's introduced it a couple of times over the years. I don't currently have the desire for that, just for the sake of time management. We already—as any couple with kids—bicker about the chores and free time and the routine, and I couldn't even imagine adding another partner. Not to say that I don't have the personality for that, but I couldn't even imagine what the schedule would be like. I feel like I'm calling her bluff in a way. As much as we want to love and trust each other, I feel like there's a bit of a bluff there.
Both my long-term ex and my current partner like outdoor sex. I had sex with my ex in my parent's backyard; they had a big kind of farmland, and we just randomly were outside. I think there's something kind of freeing about it. It was in the autumn, so we just put a coat down. This summer, with my girlfriend, I went to visit my mom and stepdad. My stepdad's sister had a newly renovated house, and we got to stay there one night.
She had an amazing shower, like a stand-up shower with jets and one of those big shower heads that is like rain, and so we had sex in there, and that was actually really memorable. Amazing, amazing. I think because I've seen it in pornos a lot, I insisted on putting her breasts against the glass; I feel like she was a bit surprised by it, but I'm like, yeah, this is a thing people do.
My relationship with porn has always been complicated, and I think I'm a person who is addicted to social media. I watch porn to masturbate, of course, but I am really addicted to just seeing what women put on Instagram and Twitter. Like, in a way, that's not fully a porn site. My search bar is just full of women trying to get people to go to their OnlyFans. I go through a big circle all the time, like looking at that, going to their Twitter, seeing what they're willing to put online. I feel like it's unhealthy, but I can't stop my curiosity.
My girlfriend knows. She has complicated feelings about it, but she understands that maybe I need that. She possibly doesn't know the full extent of what I watch on Instagram. I make my living off Instagram, and I have a decent following, and I sell my stuff on Instagram, but that comes with me thinking that sometimes people who like my work might want to fuck me. A lot of sex workers like what I make, and they follow me, and sometimes I'm like, "Oh do they want to fuck me, or do they just like what I make?" I'm not fully deluded! I'm an average-looking guy. I don't know if I'd do anything, and I think I could be open about it with my girlfriend, but I haven't approached the subject yet.
